Area Code Zapod

Speaking of dialogue, here’s a story I wrote that’s all dialogue.  This is a one-sided telephone (communicator) conversation.  Note the lack of tags.

‘No, operator.  That’s seven-three-two.  I’m calling from Earth.  Yeah, it’s long distance, real long.

I want to talk to my mother, Suez Killcrack.  She’s an admiral in the Zapod Quadrant.  Make it collect and in-person.

No, I don’t want a hologram.  My mother would shoot me, if she saw me in this ugly disguise.

I know it will be expensive.  I just told you that my mother is an admiral.  Quaks and Urks!

No, operator.  I’m sorry.  You are right, that kind of language is not necessary.

Yes, I’ll hold.


‘Hello, Mother?

I’m fine.  Well, no.  Actually, my allergies are really bad.  There’s too much oxygen on this planet.  I had to relocate to the city, so I could be near more carbon.  But I’m still blowing kaynockers all the time.

And the sun on this planet is really weak, too.  I’m afraid that I’ll need an advance on my allowance.  There isn’t enough energy on this planet to power my radio, much less get a decent place to sleep.

Listen, mom.  The real reason that I called you is to tell you about that dumb LiZard at the travel agency.  He has made some really big mistakes in his math.  His calculations in time were off.  There are no dinosaurs here, anymore.  They went extinct like 65 million years ago.  This place is all hunted out.  There’s no big game here.  I think, the Quarkians must have killed them off, eons ago.  The Quarkians have definitely been here; I can smell them.  The whole planet just reeks with them.

Yeah, the Quarkians.  You know them.  Fifth planet, past the last nebular.  Not only have they hunted all the big game to extinction, but they’re also into that sex thing.  Crazy with it, I tell you.  I tell you, they’ve just ruined this planet.  Ugh.

What?  Well, I know, mother.  I am trying to make the best of it.  But how can I exercise my battle skills when all the dinosaurs are gone?  I mean gone.  There isn’t anything left on this planet that’s bigger than a blue whale.  And they’re no fun.  They’re not even aggressive.  They might accidentally swat you with their tails, but that’s all.

What?  Well, the reason that I didn’t come by hologram is because my costume would probably scare you.  That idiot travel guy put me in some kind of human form.  It’s really disgusting.  I’ll send you a picture, but don’t touch it.  Just look at it through an ultraviolet lens, and then nuke it.  Damn, it’s awful.

What?  Yes, mother.  I can curse in sixteen different languages.  But Earthese doesn’t really count.  It’s just a series of tongue clicks…

What?  Yes, I’m getting enough salt.  That’s one thing they have plenty of.

Also, I look like a female.  Someone told me that I was hot, but I can’t detect any temperature difference from the natives.

What?  Well, I know that female is my natural state.  But females on this planet don’t get to do anything fun.

I tried joining a group of humans called, The Marines.  They played a game with me called, Basic Training.  That was okay.  At least, I didn’t fall asleep.  But then they punished me, and stuck me behind a square wooden structure, and they want me to process paper all day.

What’s paper?  Well, it’s kind of mashed up, dead wood pulp.  Urkie stuff.   Stinks of decay, too.  I can barely stand to touch it.

No, mom.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  They punished me for no reason, except that I’m female.  Quadzooks, what an unenlightened race these earthlings are.  They don’t even realize that a properly trained female is seven times more deadly than any male warrior.

So… just to get away from all that smelly paper, I volunteered for their War Games that they got going on.  But they still would not let me play.  They kept me in a place called, The Rear.

I tell you, it’s more boring here than batting asteroids in deep space.  I’m not having any fun on my vacation, at all.  GeWiz, mother.  And the Zapod Military Academy is not going to be please with my lack of training.

What?  Oh, they got some play things called guns and bombs.   But those things are about as dangerous as Zapod baby toys.

Oh, yea.  One more thing.  I got into a bit of trouble, here while back.  One of the male earthlings tried to do the sex thing with me.  I’m afraid that he surprised me.  I thought he was attacking.  You know, I though he wanted to play.  I’m afraid that I broke him.  I tore him into little pieces.  Who knew that they kept all their fluids on the inside?

Now, all the other earthlings are mad at me.  But I don’t understand why.  There are so many of them, I didn’t think they would miss one, and I didn’t know that they kept an inventory.

Now, they got my body locked up in a place called, Prison.  I got to say that it is the most exciting place on the planet, but it’s still a bit like a Zapod nursery school.

Listen, mom.  Do you think that you could send me enough plutonium to bust off the backward orb?  I’ll pay you back, when I get a job.

Sure, I’ll get a job.   But first things first, mom.  I can’t get a good job with a placid, little planet like Earth on my résumé.

If you sent me enough plutonium, I could get all the way to the outer nebulas.  I know they got some cool monsters there.  Twice as big as dinosaurs.  Something like that would look good on my résumé.

You will?  Thanks, mom.

No, I won’t speed.

Yeah?  Well, I hate you, too.

Oh, one more thing, mom.  Do me a favor.  Eat that urkie travel agent.  If you don’t, I will.’

Bye, mom.  Talk to you later.  I’ll call you after I shed this human skin.”

The end


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