Living in the 21st Century, Part Two

Pinging off the Smile Every Day blog by Imrod

You know you’re living in the 21st Century when:   

16.  You don’t worry about Date Night; you worry about hooking-up after your get to the club.

17.  You have no idea who’s living next door, until the state sends you a Sex Pervert Alert.

18.  You haven’t written a check since the last time you paid property tax.

19.  You have 3 trashcans:  one for garbage and two for recyclables.

20.  You’re online server sent you a warning about exceeding 150 megabytes.  Watching Netflix has caused your online server to penalize you for exceeding 150 GBs.  You will be charged and extra $10 for ever 50 GBs after.  You are now in the top 2% of online hogs.

21.  You suddenly realize YouTube is more entertaining than TV.

22.  You think anyone who is under 75 and still can’t operate a computer is an illiterate dumb wad.

23.  You’ve got more friends–that you don’t know–on Facebook than you do in real life.

24.  Your cat has an automatic litter box, and your dog’s name is a password.

25.  Gasoline is higher than your car payments.

I challenge everyone to write 5 more.  🙂  Sideways smile/ Number 11. 

Writing in Generalities–Bad, Bad, Bad

Below are two examples of the same post.  The first one is an example of bad writing.  Although the first is shorter, it is written in broad generalities with no hint of personality or flair.  These kind of general statements are so flat, boring and negative that the reader can barely tolerate to consume them.  It is generic.  Anyone could have written the first one.  A good writer does not want to sound generic.  Style is often referred to as the voice of the writer.  Some experts will tell you that the reader is not suppose to aware of the writer.  This is not true.  As we read we do come to know the writer.  We even begin to visualize them and their surroundings.

Continue reading

News Flash

Let me save you the trouble of reading the news today.  Or any day for that matter:

More trouble in the Middle East  .  .  .  Stock Market goes up and down  .  .  .   Congress can’t agree  .  .  .   Climate warming continues  .  .  .  Athlete fails drug test  .  .  .   Movie star makes a fool of himself   .  .  . Investors loose their shirts and pants on Ponzi scheme  .  .  .  Food prices dig deeper into the consumer pocket    .  .  .  Euro in deep shit  .  .  .  Company issues recall of product  .  .  .  Bookstore closes  .  .  .  Cell phone store opens  .  .  .  U.S. borrows more money from China  .  .  .  China needs U.S. to consume imported items  .  .  .    Rich get richer  .  .  .  Poor get poorer  .  .  .  Housing market slumps  .  .  .  Crazy dude kills family  .  .  .  Homeless need homes  .  .   .  Senator has girlfriend; wife shocked but supportive  .  .  .  Dog alerts family to fire  .  .  .  Store stick-up  .  .   .  Thieves steal copper  .  .  .  Americans are too fat  .  .  .  Teens can’t read, write, or multiply .  .  .  Fast food is bad  .  .  .  Smoking will kill ‘ya  .  .  .  Doctor accused of Medicare fraud  .  .  .  Divorce rate highest ever in history  .  .  .  Gas rates expect to rise during the holidays  .  .  .  Population down in developed countries by micro points and up in undeveloped countries  .  .  .  New driver runs off road  .  .  .  Trucker falls asleep at wheel  .  .  .  Airplanes are falling apart  .  .  .  Feds cut interest rate  .  .  .  Bank closes  .  .  .  Iraq wants U.S. troops to stay  .  .  .  Iraq wants U.S. troops out  .  .  .   Egypt doesn’t know what it wants  .  .  .  Everyone is afraid of Korea and Iran  .  .  .  Small businessman can’t sell as cheap as Wally World  .  .  .  Large scale farming is unsustainable, but home gardeners are still dorky  .  .  .   Someone semi-important said something nasty about someone very important; apology in the mail  .  .  .  Citizens wonder if freedom of the press means truth in the press  .  .  .  Electricity bill to increase by 3 percent  .  .  .  Postage stamps going up  .  .  .  Company downsizing employees; remaining workers to work twice as hard  .  .  .

And on the very, very local news:  My puppy peed on the floor.  What a surprise!!!

PPM Dx

I’ve  just been diagnosed with Post Publishing Malaise (PPM.)  Watch out for this prose killer.

Signs & Symptoms:   Inertia of pen, general lethargy, sudden urges for physical activity, stiff fingers when held over a keyboard, constricted pupils when editing is mentioned, extreme thirst for alcohol, unhappiness verging on psychosis, fear of failure occurs within minutes of publishing, mild paranoia on receiving emails, panic attacks and hysteria when bystanders ask this question:  What’s next?  In extreme cases, patients may exhibit a catatonic-like state when a laptop in placed in their hands.

Also Known in Layman’s Terms As:  writer’s vacation, extended hiatus, R&R, having-a-sit-down, idleness, out to pasture, recuperation, heal time, taking the cure, laziness, and out-to-lunch.

Cures:   A new plot, inspiration or a bolt of lightening.  Doses may vary from patient to patient.

Pharmacy:   Patents held by cryptic spirits from the Planet of Muse and sometimes right around the corner for free if just the right character shows up.

Costs:  Prohibitive for hungry writers.

Continue reading

Reality Bites

Ate lunch at Ezell’s Catfish House yesterday.  (Everything fried with a side of extra-sweet coleslaw.  My husband likes it, but it’s a little too much for my system.  That’s the price you pay when you eat healthy for a long time.  You can’t go back to your old ways.)

As I was joking around with my best friend, I noticed that a lot of men were staring at me.  First, I checked to see if a button had popped on my blouse or if I’d forgot to wear panties beneath my white jeans.  Then I checked to see if a squirrel was nesting on my head or if I had developed that 3-breasts look.  (The girls know what I’m talking about.)  But, no, everything seemed fine.

I fluffed my hair and blushed.

Just when I was about to get a real ego boost, I noticed that a medium sized television was hanging over my head and the game was playing in silent mode.

Damn!

Continue reading

The Big Plan

Parent:  What do you want to be when you grow up?

Kid:  A writer.

Parent:  Humph!  What’s your backup plan?

Kid:  A famous blogger.

Parent:  No, no, I mean how are your going to make money?

Kid:  A series of low-level, intermediate jobs that offer adventure, excitement and research opportunities.

Parent:  I see.  You mean… like the job you have now bagging merchandize at the Super Center?

Kid:  Hey, there are some really interesting characters coming through Wally World.

Parent:  I think that joining the police force, the military or even the merchant marines would offer more background for you.

Kid:  Capitalism.  Everything’s capitalism with you.  You don’t understand art.

Kid:  By the way, my girlfriend’s pregnant.

Still Here

There’s been a rumor goin’ round that I was abducted by Men in Black, but it’s not true.  The authorities don’t even suspect me yet.

Lately, I’ve been reading, reading, reading.  You know the kind of guilty pleasure that I’m talking about.  The kind of indulgence, where you neglect everything else, fix the pillows on the porch swing and let one leg dangle off the edge, so you can rock yourself with your big toe, until you go blind and your true love becomes completely exasperated.  (He won’t even fetch me the ice tea anymore. Yesterday, he deliberately put sugar in my glass.  YUCK!)

Continue reading

Comments Anyone?

Just for fun, here’s a little something to make you feel better about comments, or the lack thereof.

As an experiment, I went to Wikipedia Bestseller List, and I chose, at random, this bestseller:  The Shack by William P. Young.

The Shack sold 10 million to 20 million copies.  (Wow, big difference there.  I guess you have to go to the IRS to find out for sure.) Then I went to Amazon to look at customer reviews of same book:  4647.

Since Amazon did not sell all of the copies, we’ll estimate and say that Amazon cornered one-quarter of the market at 5 million copies.  And to make the math easier, we’ll bump the comments up to 5 thousand.

5,000,000  copies to 5,000 reviews

or

5, 000 copies to 5 review

or

1,000 copies to 1 review

or

.1 %

What does this mean?

Well, if you post something, twenty people read and two people comment, then you’re getting a 1% return.  That’s better than a bestseller.  Yeah!  You’re a success—on comments, but still no money, alas.

It also means when they call it the Silent Majority they aren’t kidding.

P.S.  I hope that I didn’t totally embarass myself with my math.  Talk about rusty.  Blush!